I’ve heard people say having kids alters your friendships, that new parents start gravitating away from current friendships and towards friendships with other parents.
I can see the logic in this: I know first friggen hand how life-altering children are.
But, I don’t want to watch my friends fade out of my life just because they don’t have kids. Hell, I only have like, 2 friends who have kids… I’m supposed to sit back as the other 20-60 closest friends start to fade away?
Bullshipt. I’ll have none of it.
So, I’m writing this little diatribe on behalf of all new parents who don’t want to lose friends. Below are 5 tips that will make you a kick-butt friend for people with child-things.
#1 Pay Attention
Honestly, I love you, AND you have no idea what it’s like to raise a kid.
Heck, many of you don’t have any idea about what it’s like to be married!
Your internal gauges and empathetic imagination won’t be able to guide you very much as you try to anticipate our needs.
And that’s ok! This isn’t information you’re supposed to have pre-built; it’s learned over arduous weeks and months, mind-numbingly confusing and beautiful experiences, and a good deal of schizophrenia.
So, pay attention. Pay attention to me here in this post. Pay attention when you’re hanging out with us. Watch the crap we do all day and night…. incessantly.
When you pay attention, you’ll see things you didn’t see before: a mom blowing the hair out of her face as she holds baby and stirs pasta sauce; a dad lifting baby and smiling big into it’s face; playtime on the floor putting toys just out of reach of the child; lots of movement, lots of never ending, o-god-please-make-it-stop-and-give-me-five-goddam-minutes-of-rest movement.
Watch what parents do, and then maybe help out with that stuff… Think you can help out with any of that? :) Cheers!
#2 HOLD THE FRIGGEN BABY!
A knock rapped out on the door, and Jacob walked in, “Hey! What’s up guys!”
“Jacob! Welcome! Let me get you a stiff drink” the host said and moved towards the liquor cabinet.
“Oh, that would be great! Say, where’s that baby… I’ll hold him for a little while” Jacob replied.
Jacob wins in this little scenario: not only does he get to hang out with the baby, but he also get’s the best f-ing cocktail in the house!
Why? Because if you walk into my house and ask to hang out with the baby for a little while, I’ll be treating you like royalty!
Why? Because I won’t have to be hanging with the baby; because my wife will be able to keep cooking your friggen dinner without one-arming the child-thing; because we’re new parents and our baby is hands on all the time!
Ask to hold the baby. Hang out with the it-thing. Remember some of the ways you saw mom and dad playing with the baby and do that stuff.
Not only will you probably have a good time with the little raptor-spawn, his little dimples dimpling and tail wagging, but you’ll be giving the new parents the rarest commodity of their new life: time without immediate baby responsibility.
Honestly, you will get great cocktails… It’s worth it for this alone! I mean, you’re getting top-shelf when you walk in asking to hang with the up-chucker!
#3 Don’t Stop Holding The Friggen Baby!
“WHHOOOOWEEE! What a great cocktail! Thanks!” said Jacob to the hosty host.
“You’re welcome man… anything for you… Pillow? Dates?” replied the host.
“No, thank you. I’m perfect,” Jacob said as he put the cocktail down and continued playing with the small-thing-person.
He lifted it up in the air, and placed it’s feet on his knees, and tickled and made faces and the whole nine yards… And for several minutes the poop-factory had the time of it’s life.
But soon it started to get a little fidgety, looking around the room and reaching towards things away from its ripping-tearing talons.
“Ok, little guy… looks like you need a change of scenery. Let’s get up and move around a little bit,” Jacob said… his stomach warm, defenses down from the superb top-shelf cocktail the host had masterfully prepared for him.
Listen, no matter how long you’ve held the baby, maybe just try to hold the baby a little longer. I mean, you don’t have any requirements on you, or parental responsibility to hold someone else’s baby, but these parents, these poor souls reaching, grasping for every shred of vitality they can muster, these fools, are your friends.
So, when you’ve held the baby for a few minutes and the soul-eater starts to fidget and look unhappy, just get up and move around with it.
This goes back to #1 – watching and learning. See how we play with the creature, how we change positions and the playing setup. After playing with the life-sucker a few times you’ll start to pre-empt these changes in mood and get creative with playing.
Your drinks just got better… I hide liquor just for you in a special place now.
#4 WTF!? Why Are You Still Holding The Friggen Baby?
Listen, you don’t have to hold the baby all night. I mean, a 5 minute stretch would be awesome. All that matters to us new parents is that you’re trying… making the effort rather than pretending everything’s the same as the pre-baby days.
So when your creativity and elastic soul has been used up, don’t be afraid to abruptly say, “All right, it’s time for someone else, isn’t it!? Yes, you little lovely-lump,” and give it back to the eaten up, spent, and exhausted ones.
It’s important you know your boundaries, what you’re willing and able to do and not do, so YOU don’t get burnt out. Just like it’s important you feel confident enough to outright ask to hold the baby.
As long as you make the effort, and maybe push yourself a little bit to get creative and play, your drinks will be good all night long… and your new parent friends will be so grateful. So, so grateful.
#5 Take The Daddy Out (Moms Sometimes Too)
That pre-dad, best friend, party animal dude is still in the new fathers out there; it just doesn’t get much play time.
So, make some time to get that old school party animal out…. away from the nom-nommer and the mommy and the chores, and into the sweetness of the open night sky, the dank, dim bars, and the siren call of the moon…. oh… god… the moon.
And you know what? You couples can team up on us: men going out to drink and get teary eyed about the good ol’ days; women staying in to put the life-taker down for bed and drink white wine and chat. Maybe once you’ll get to switch that around, but I think you’ll learn from your mistakes and never let a pack of men put the baby down for bed again.
Here’s a couple of things which might have changed about that moon-howling party animal turned dad:
- Get it on the schedule: You’ll definitely need to put those nights out on the calendar so he can have plenty of time to remind the wife of “the night of his non-responsibility” coming up on friday. It might be new for your wolfpack to schedule something, but do it for the sake of the new dads among you.
- Don’t bitch a dad out: If I do meet you out at a bar for one of your “every night we don’t have children or wives” meetings, don’t bitch me out for having to retire at 9:30. Chances are good I’ll be up at 5am with the rain-taker trying to give mommy a few more hours of sleep. Remember, for the big nights out, get it on the schedule.
Conclusion: It Takes A Village!
That’s just a simple little starter list of things you can do to be a better friend to new parents.
I mentioned above it’s common for new parents to gravitate away from friendships with single and un-childed couples towards friendships with other parents. People say that.
But people also say it takes a village to raise a child. Now that’s the kind of thing I can get into.
Dear friends, you will play a huge role in our kids’ lives. Your laughter and patience and support will create the world we want to raise our little poop-factories in.
Lend a hand, help us out, because this is our life now, and some shit has changed. We don’t want to feel isolated from you, and we need you to be aware of exactly how shit has changed and help us out a little… cuz, like, we love you and stuff.
Your Thoughts
Have some ideas or stories about how your friends helped you in early parenthood? Or how you were a good friend to someone? Or anything else that’s relevant? Please comment… I <3 your comments… srsly.
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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Jacob? :)
Love it. Great post. From now on I’m going to ask for a lap blanket though, that’s the only reason I ever hesitate to hold little Aiden. In fact, sometimes its all I can do to NOT grab the little guy and squeeze him, cept for the fact that usually when I squeeze he lets loose a load of that days dinner all over me! So let me help you to help me, and might I suggest a handy little blanket to cover your good friends from the little geyser!
Great suggestion Zach!! Ponchos for the gang… on us… So urban and rural at the same time… stylish. Man, I can see it now! Functional AND Stylish!!!
#greatidea!
SUCH a great post! Every friend of a new parent needs to read this. The only other thing I would recommend is to always bring a bottle of wine when you come to visit the new parents. After a long day of fussing, filled diapers, squirming and feeding, it’s nice to open up a bottle of wine with your husband/wife when you put the little raptor-spawn down for the night. That bottle of wine will be the most appreciated thing in the universe… next to holding the friggen baby, of course.
It’s ok for friends to babysit too. The older my kids get (4G,6B,10G) the more interested they get in what our friends do. They like to broaden their horizons.
Chase, you’ve seen me, I’m a husky (yet nibble) fella. Isaac my son, is getting into skateboarding.. There’s not a whole lot I can do an a vert ramp at this stage, but my friend Erik know’s howta skate and he’s offered to teach my 6 year old a few things – it’s awesome. (BTW, I can still ollie sweet).
You know what else is fun? Offer to bring some pizza over. What Mommy wouldn’t give to not have to figure out dinner on top of everything else…
HA HA!!! Thanks Aaron… No one ever had any doubts about the sweetness of your ollies.
Great post! As someone without kids of her own I agree with the statement that we really don’t have any idea what it’s like … but I also think this, like so many other things, is a two-way street and it takes some adjusting on both sides when friends have a baby.
@lauren! You’re totally right… This post was kind of my first step towards thinking about how our life with friends should change… Any ideas how we parents could make it easier on our friends? #desperateforadvice!!!
Abso-freaking-lutely!!! My luscious ball of love drool is eleven months old and I’ve been Mr. Mom to this gorgeous little girl for the past five months – thank you economy. Although its been the most amazing time, I’ve not had one night of bro-love from any of my old pals. Admittedly, I’m also trying to launch a book, build a website and do copious marketing gigs which probably impede my fella connections. But still, someone should at least offer… great writing too Chase!
I think the thing that primarily comes to mind is that we love our friends’ kids, and we’re interested in them and want to be a part of their lives, but there are parts of their lives we’re not interested in and probably never will be. We want to hear when they’re talking and walking and saying funny things, but we don’t want to hear about their diapers or their potty training or things like that. At least, I don’t. I probably shouldn’t speak for all childless people!
I think, like anything you’re really invested in, it’s easy to get so caught up in the day-to-day activities of your life that you forget that not everyone else is as interested in it as you are. I don’t blame parents for this at all, but it doesn’t make poo stories any more appropriate for lunchtime discussion than they were pre-baby, you know? And we also want to know about YOU, still, just like we did before you had a baby. What are you doing? What are you thinking? I love all of my friends with kids, but in the interest of full disclosure, I probably spend a lot more time with the friends who still want to carry on a conversation about topics other than Junior. Which, again, I totally understand can be difficult when your life is so consumed with adjusting to the change of keeping him alive and happy.
Wow, I really rambled. Your post just got the wheels turning, I guess! I think it’s great to have this kind of dialogue, because it’s a life change that brings about major adjustments for everyone involved and it can be hard to know what to do or say!
The scene:
Last night in the Pearl.
Chase and I are meeting for the first time. He climbs in the back seat. We shake hands.
I say “Your post today was rad by the way. So true.”
He and I both had a laugh.
We immediately go into trading stories about our own realities.
Our driver, who does not have children and for the purpose of this story shall be called “Jason Glaspey”, immediately protests and complains about the prospect of having to listen to two dads talking about their kids and the fact that friends who don’t have kids are…
Well… He should read this post,
or,
May the good lord bless him with children before he is ready.
As the babe gets older, it’s often easier to meet at the home where the tot lives — his toys are there, his crib is there, his parents’ (already) destroyed furniture is there. So I think it helps that when guests come over, they bring a significant part of the dinner and/or offer to help clean up (significantly) when the party is done.
When I was a young married gal with no kids, we would hang out with our friends who were new to parenting — but when we visited all we’d do was “visit.” I never realized (until I had kids) how much it would have helped if I would have picked up pizza on the way, washed dishes while chatting, or put away chairs / toys / etc. when we were done.
@Lauren: Good words… GREAT words for we parent-ones to remember. Thank you!
@courtney: Indeed, May the one we will call “Jason Glaspey” (to protect his identity) have a cup overflowing with droopy drool, frizzled hair, soggy eyes, and deep love for his own, personal, special terrors of the world.
@stretchmarkmama: Excellent ideas!! It’s so true: everything’s easier at our house since there are already burp rags and delousing powder in every room!
As the one we shall call “Jason Glaspey,” let me just say;
“Shut the f*ck up.”
We’re tired of your whining. You chose to have the damn thing.
Oh, but I’ll hold it all night if you make me a drink :)
Love you.
Jason,
The drink is poured. Be at my house at 7:30. There is more booze on top of the fridge. We’ll be home after midnight.
I especially like number 3.
The one called “Jason Glaspey” and other like him might do well to spend a day with a 5 or 6 year old. They are usual good natured, curious, funny and interested in doing things other than knocking down blocks. Once you’ve spent time with a 5 or 6 year old, then dealing with the whole baby thing gets more interesting because “How in the hell do they turn into kids? Wow I got see this!” Plus you quickly realize you have to get out of your own head, and into theirs if it’s going to work.
And then there’s is my current situation, “How in the hell does a baby become a person going to college? Wow this is going to get even more interesting” Blows my mind, and it would blow others minds as well.
@jasonglaspey
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
@nelking: What’s great for our fictitious “Jason Glaspey” is that he’s already got the “thinks like a kid” thing down! Of course, more booze is involved for him than your typical 3-7 year old, but it’s just uncanny how in-sync he is with the simple ones. Which, of course, is why @Courtney and I are so excited for the day he has his own masterpiece to masterpiece all over! :)
The thing that worked for me as the friend (since I cannot give you advice about feeding or sleeping, and will only voluntarily tend the diaper every once in a while), especially when eating out or at someone else’s house or any place there is not a high-chair, is this line, “Can I hold the baby so you can eat dinner?” I can’t imagine trying to sit and laugh with my friends while guarding my knife and fork, protecting my plate, making sure no one in my chair is crying, trying to control two other small hands, and eat my food before it gets cold. Or, what I see more often, simply not eating until everyone else is done and then choking down cold food after I can pass off to the other parent. I don’t know what it’s like, but that would seem to discourage wanting to bother with the friendly gathering. Often, I really miss my friends, and if it’s a way to ensure that they will stay engaged in the relationships, it’s totally worth it to eat less that hot food once in a blue moon.
Call me crazy, but as a single/unmarried person I have come to the conclusion that, while I shouldn’t have to endure endless talk about excrement, in large part I should just suck it up. Loving someone’s kids is a form of loving them. So is listening to them talk about the major changes in their lives, even if it doesn’t totally apply to my life. The same was true when they got married. This is not totally selfless. A cocktail would be nice, but I am quite certain that there will come a time when there is something so huge and central to my life that it’s consuming for a time, and I’m really, really going to want someone who’s willing to listen. Guess what – if I have cleaned your child’s butt repeatedly, you’re on the shortlist.
Thank you for these tips-they are appreciated. I am in my early-ish 20s and it seems that over the past year almost all of my friends have gotten married. That is fine and dandy, but a good majority of them have chosen to forego the whole “married without children” stage and just jump right into the “harried parent” stage. I have been in a serious relationship for a while, but I am not married, so it can be hard to relate to that, but it is not unfathomable. However, when they go from being engaged to having kids in just over a year, it can be very difficult to understand or appreciate all the changes that are happening. I love my friends and wish to remain friends with them, but in order to do so, I’m having to learn to understand what they are dealing with. So again, thanks for the tips, I will use them. :)
@annie: Wow… thanks… You hit it on the head better than i could.
@amanda: You’re welcome!! Thanks for commenting, and good luck with the new-parent-friend-things!
As the last of 5 kids to get married and have kids, I recall something my then young niece said upon going back home.
“Mom, auntie has no toys or peanut butter in her house”
From the moment on, I had peanut butter and I cleared out one of my dresser drawers and filled it with dress-up clothing.
Amazing.
And I offer to change diapers. Works like a charm.
My wife and I have been married for over 15 years and are childless by choice. Over the past several years we have lost most of our friends to their children. Our best friends managed to hang on for almost eight years until their son became part of our time together. I wanted adult conversation. We didn’t change; they did. The problem is parents let kids take over their lives. I have no problem with that and believe they should make their children a top priority. However, don’t complain about it. Don’t expect everyone else to play along. If I decide to become a Hare Krishna, it would be ridiculous for me to expect my Christian friends to change their faith as well. We all make choices and should accept the consequences; good and bad.
Just to clarify; I like kids and love spending time with them at kid appropriate activities. My wife and I have been known to take couples’ children and spend hours with them at circuses, parks and Chuck-E-Cheese. Why does all the effort of mainatining the friendship fall on the shoulders of the child-free?
Hey.. I’m new to your blog, but wanted to share that I love your advice, and am also encouraged that you encourage your childless friends to still be an active part of your new life as parents. As a single, childless person, I have often found it difficult to develop or maintain friendships with those my age that are married with children. Makes me sad, because I would gladly love to be of help.. and experience with them a little bit of the tremendous blessing children are in a parents life. It does take a village.. and us childless folk can receive as much as we can offer. I am also an aunt three times over, (with a nephew also named Aiden :), and have learned a bunch of a what a little one brings to a family. Though I know it’s a lot different than actually being a parent, what I have learned has shown me just how much new parents could use a helping hand every now and then.
Bless you guys, and your new family.
@jason: you bring up some good points. I hope you come to know some friends that you “don’t lose to their kids.”
@anna: Thanks so much for the kind words!!
@everyone: I CAN”T BELIEVE I FORGOT THE VERY RULE THAT MADE ME THINK OF THIS POST IN THE FIRST PLACE!! Here it is:
#6 Expect That The Friggen Baby Is Sleeping When You Come Over!!!
Expect more on this one in an updated version of this post… Thanks to so many of your awesome comments I’ve got some more Ideas!
is that justin in the bottom right of that photo?